Toes flush to the edge, I stare
Out into happiness
They sit together watching television
They hold hands and talk
And smile
And kiss
And they possess a certain glow that lovers have
A glow that I have lost, standing here
In black trenchcoat and arms spread
And wishing to be dead
I hear the voices of those behind me
“Did you hear about what happened to Dave?” “Man, this party is great!” “What about her, think she’s pretty?” “It’s not you… It’s me.” “Got any light beer?” “I think he likes me.” “So why not just quit.” “Want to dance?” “C’mon, I can explain!” “It’s 12:18.” “I love you, Jill.” “You are not driving.” “Let’s go out on the balcony.”
And I wish I was one of them
One of those who came here to meet people
To drink a little
To laugh and have fun
But I don’t smile anymore, and I don’t drink
And I’m not here to meet people
I’m here to leave them
All of them.
Standing on the railing
I close them out
Wanting my last moment to be my own
And concentrate
All it will take is a little push
Or to lean a little forward
And let my momentum carry me over
Into a dive
Head first
Into the grave
But
Just as I begin to push I hear a voice through the sliding glass door from where the happy people are
“My God! What is he doing?!?”
and I push
and I’m free
falling into the night
into the dark
into the small of pine trees on a hot summer night, 1991
three stories down
and my sadness blows away with the air through my coat
and I feel dizzy
spinning
happy.
Joints jam
As feet slam
Into the grass
I straighten up, and with head down
Walk away.
And the crowd goes wild.
-21 Feb 1996