TeamFortress: The Night Before Christmas


By Jason Pace

Inspired by The Night Before Christmas

by Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas a night playing TF, when all through the fort,

Not an enemy was jumping, or running about;

The pipes were all placed by the flag with such care,

In hopes that attackers soon would be there;

The defense was nestled all snug in their places,

Just waiting for enemies to get up in their faces;

A medic just reloaded, and I with full pack,

Had just headed out to bring in the cap,

When out on the bridge we met opposition,

I sprang to the water, as if blasted from position.

Down through the water I swam like a flash,

I tore up the stairs and popped a can of gas

The medic stopped and swung his axe

I gave him a “Thanks” and continued my attack,

Then out in the ramproom what should appear,

A level 3 sentry, and 1 engineer,

With a change of my skin, and of my color,

I entered the room as one of his brothers.

He went to resupply as I covered the entry,

And once he was gone, I grenaded his sentry;

“Now, Soldier! Now, Medic! and Heavy Weapons Guy!

On Demo! On Pyro! Come help the SPY!

To the top of the ramps! And down through the halls!

Now attack away! Attack away! Attack away all!”

Still dressed as a foe I guarded the room,

But backed across catwalk, to elevator I zoomed,

Poised at the top of the shaft I did stall,

Then gave a good jump and slid down the wall.

Slowly I moved down the wall by inches

Hoping the basement wasn’t full of grinches.

As I softly touched floor, and was turning around,

Down the shaft came a soldier and made painful sound.

He fired a rocket, at me, his own friend,

But this was a good thing it turned out in the end;

I followed behind him as if pursuing,

And when he looked back, started dodging and weaving.

His grenade – long primed! Went off in his hand!

His body exploded, and I grabbed his pack when it landed!

His giblets were sprayed all over the wall,

And I stood for a moment, taking credit for it all;

The new patch of pipes the Demo was laying,

Told me for now, that here I was staying;

He hid in the shadows ready for detonation,

Then shook, like he was suffering from an infection.

He gave a few twitches, then fell to the ground,

And I knew that my buddy, the Medic’d been ’round;

I ran to the flag room, and lifted the flag,

And knew if I met enemies it’d be a real drag;

I made a dash for the stairs, careful each turn,

Just wondering at which point I would get burned,

With my good fortune it was no time to wait,

So I sped through the lobby and dropped down the grate;

I called for my team, “Coming out! Need Support!”

And was answered with guns in a happy retort.

But as I flew out the fort and ran across the bridge,

“I’m gonna cap!” I thought, then I got gibbed.

(damn sniper)

-24 Dec 1999

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *