6 October 1999

Something is bothering me.
One of my coworkers said something a couple days ago and it’s been crawling around in the back of my head as I try to figure it out and I just can’t seem to get it.
He said, “I just always kind of always think of you as being married for some reason.”
I’ve heard that before, and sometimes with a little more explanation. Things like “It’s just how you talk” or “how you carry yourself” and other just vague things that people say when they just can’t understand why they feel like they feel themselves.
But what does it really mean? This is what I keep asking myself as it bounces around in my skull. But I just can’t reach my mind around it and pin it down. I can’t even denote myself what I think of as the differences between single and married people.
Does it mean I just seem happy? Fulfilled? Satisfied somehow on a deep yearning level that the conscious mind can’t comprehend? Do I smile too much? Does my walk not swagger like a player looking for nookie? Does my voice not carry the bass tones of smooth talk? Is there a missing twinkle in my eye? Or an extra twinkle?
It just doesn’t make sense to me… how does someone ‘look’ married?
And thoughts like these, they careen into other thoughts and things like “If I look married, perhaps that’s why some girls don’t talk to me” and “If I look married, perhaps it’s the only reason some girls do talk to me”. These are not nice thoughts.
More frustrating than not having an answer, is not fully understanding the question.

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